[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I finally found a reason to live again.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.