i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
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Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
My favorite female superhero
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
pelicons
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.