Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
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Cause of death: Zumba
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”