I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
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DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
They’re on their honeymoon
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.