Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
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COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]