WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
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Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Admin smashed it 😂
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.