Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
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If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
True freaking story!
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
sleeping beauty
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Schrödinger’s cookie
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.