This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
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“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Had an epiphany today.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
necessity is the mother of invention
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too