I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
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[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
haha same
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.