I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign