Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
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pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.