Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
You Might Also Like
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
my first day as a raccoon
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.