[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
You Might Also Like
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Breaking news:
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say