doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
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LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
being a writer on Twitter:
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.