girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
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If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Hitlers gonna hitl
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.