BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
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[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Happy weekend !
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
This is funnier than it should be. 😂