I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early