Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
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She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.