the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
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My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Nothing.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.