My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
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Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
marvel comics have peaked
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.