Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
first you must answer his riddles
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
A choir of Spring onions
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666