You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
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TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him