I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
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Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
How I’d get arrested…
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice