Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
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Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”