I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
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My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom