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Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*