What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
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Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I falcon love using swear birds
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.