[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”