if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
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I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.