[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
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doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.