No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
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“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.