No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
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My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…