On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
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Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Okay
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie