Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
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“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you