Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
You Might Also Like
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably