*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
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Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Before & after 😅
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.