My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
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Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
🤣😈🤣
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.