The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
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Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.