i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
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My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
adding to the discourse
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
buys donuts instead
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice