my astrological sign is a french fry
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Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it