I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
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The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Breaking news:
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.