the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
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My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒