my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
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COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”