Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
You Might Also Like
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
🤣😈🤣
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block