I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
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*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
*puts words between two asterisks*