I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
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bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.