Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities