Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
You Might Also Like
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
A short story of betrayal:
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.