Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
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Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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