Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
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Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Today’s Times
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.